This has been a question that has been asked to me very often especially lately so I thought I would wear my heart on my sleeve here and address it so that everyone will know…. and maybe be reminded,  learn, or be encouraged.

Q: How do you handle being single so well?

There is no magical formula for making it easy “to be single,” and anyone who says that it is easy, is lying to you. God wants us to be content with all that He has given us, yes, however, God does not require us to achieve some super spiritual state of mind that is “content” with being single in order for Him to give us a significant other. For some people, that may very well happen, but for the vast majority, it is just not going to. If we are seeking Him, God has given us a desire for each other and a desire to be married. God has placed those desires in everyone so that a man will GO out and pursue a woman, and make her his wife, and a girl will be happily pursued. It is completely normal to want to be married. Marriage is a system that God set up and ordained. God wants us to be married, and raise good families for His glory.

For His glory.

Yup. I think that’s the key, people. You see, I have come to the realization that if I could serve God better and bring Him more glory married, then, I would be married right now at this very moment. So even though sometimes I don’t like to admit it, God knows better than I do. I could try to convince Him otherwise all I want, but He knows the perfect timing for everything in our lives. If we are living to serve Him, then He will take care of it! Right now, you have a job to do. A job that could not be done if you were married. A job that will bring God the MOST glory if you do it now, while you are single.

Figure out what you are supposed to be doing, and get busy doing it!

Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Matthew 6:25-33

Get busy working toward things that really matter. Seek the kingdom FIRST, because even marriage is a temporary state that will eventually give way to the beautiful reality of what the picture points to- our relationship with Jesus Christ. {Click here to read more} He is enough, anyways. No one will truly complete you except Him.

“Jesus Christ – not guys [or girls]– must always remain the center of our existence. When we have a Christ-consumed heart, guys[or girls] no longer dominate our thinking, our actions, and our decisions. Rather, the Lover of our soul captivates us so completely that every guy we meet clearly sees that Jesus is, and always will be, the number one Prince of our heart. A truly godly man longs for a woman with a Christ-consumed heart.” -Leslie Ludy

I’d love to tell you that I am a spiritual giant who never struggles with loneliness or never looks up and says, “God, whatcha doin’??” Because, unfortunately, it’s not true, but the answer is simple.

Not easy, but simple.

Trust God.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Do you believe that? Then tell yourself this everyday. We may know what looks “good” for us, but God knows what is BEST. The reason we are not supposed to lean on our own understanding is that we don’t really know what we are doing. However, HIS way is perfect.

As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the LORD? or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect. Psalm 18:30-32

He will fulfill the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them. Psalm 145:19

Delight yourself also in the LORD; and he shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

No one is bigger or better than God. Period. Claim His promises. Find them! There are SO many! Our times are in His hands. He knows the beginning from the end. We know his timing is perfect.

He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Don’t stop believing. Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop looking. Do stop stressing. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are running out of time. Because when God, who is the very Author of time, deems it right for you to fall in love and be married, then you will, and it will be magnificent.

Lastly, don’t settle. I will be single forever before I settle for someone who will not raise my family in all the standards of my God. Go to the Bible and find out all the qualities a man and woman of God is supposed to have. Be those things, and then, look for those things in others. Pray for God to direct your steps in everything, and He will fulfill the desires He has placed in you. If you long for a spouse with a Christ-centered heart, that desire is straight from God, and He has promised to fulfill it.

I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him. Ecclesiastes 3:14

Stop worrying so much. Take heart, God knows what He is doing. He has a plan, and now is a part of that plan too. Don’t waste your time wishing things were different. Don’t settle for less than God’s best. Trust His timing. He is so so much bigger than you and your dreams, and His words are true. Don’t stop believing them. It will be worth it.




[photo source]

It’s December: the end of the year.  The holidays are in full swing and this season is full of fun and chaos.  But with the New Year just around the corner, it’s also a good time to reflect on the last twelve months.  To recall what God has done in and for you.  For those you love.  What has He blessed you with?  Maybe, taken from you? 

2012 has been a strange, sad year for me.  In many ways, I can’t even begin to describe it. My relationship with God has been vital and strained, constant and nonexistent, depending on where in the spectrum of any given day I happened to be this past year.  I have begged to God and ignored Him.  Pushed Him aside and pleaded that He comes near. In many ways, it is much like the years I didn’t endure such enormous heartache and change.  And yet, the heartache and change did lead me to new understandings of His mercy.   I have had to learn to accept, even embrace the idea of God as my husband.  I have had to turn my will over to Him with abandon and trust like I never have been called to do before. 

My most pertinent struggle has been with this trust: trusting that God has plans for me—plans for good and not to harm me.  I think that my biggest fear is that I may end up alone.  But I am not alone and when I look over the past year, I see evidence of God’s presence throughout.  He is much more constant than I at times, in the moment can see.  It’s interesting to note how often I feel alone, only to look back and see that He was there all along. 

For as much as was taken from me this year, I must recognize that much was given.  God never left me empty handed.  He simply replaced one thing for another.  We, too easily, possess ideas that God’s gifts are tangible.  If he removes something in the material, we desire that He replace it in the material.  But I don’t think God works that way.  I think that God values the intangible over the substance we see as ‘real’.  God’s true heart for us is that we grow spiritually, that we come to know Him that we learn to love. Often, these desires which God has for us manifest in loss and then gain.  We may find strength, hope, wisdom, compassion, all far more valuable to God than bigger houses, nicer cars, and new husbands. 

A friend pointed out recently to me that for as much as she argued with God when she was in the midst of her own heartache, begging Him to change the situation, when she looks back today, she finds that what God gave her instead far outweighed what may have been her gain had He simply given her what she asked for.  I see this in my own life, this past year especially.  I have been asked to release what I thought I knew, what I thought promised me security and joy.  Releasing reluctantly as I did, God still was faithful to give.  Daily in this journey, He has taught me that He is my truly safe place, He can more than provide, He is in love with me in a way that exceeds all human love.  These gifts I’ve slowly been working on first recognizing and then receiving. 

Looking back on your own year, where have you been asked to release?  Can you find evidence of God calling you to receive in unexpected ways?

“An unmarried woman is concerned about the LORD's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the LORD in both her body and Spirit” 1 Corinthians 7:34

My dearest and beautiful sisters, I wish I could sit down with every one of you and have coffee and just chat about where you are in your view of singleness, because its almost too generic to just write about it without knowing where you are; I hope something in this post identifies with you because as a single young lady, I have felt them all. From frustration, to discontentment, to contentment, to wondering if a certain guy is the one, to desiring to be content, but not really being content, to actually being okay and seeing singleness as a gift. I pray that in some way, this post will lead you to release any bitterness about singleness you may have and receive the gift of singleness with a thankful heart.

. Here are some tips that have helped me in my journey through this season:

1. Take your frustrations to the LORD: One of my really good friend calls this cuddling season/the season of engagement and babies, and it is very difficult to be content with singleness if all your friends are talking about how amazing their boyfriend/fiance's/husbands are, or maybe you are the lady who has done the right things and right about now you had planned to be in your husband's home, but the LORD has different plans...this can be aggravating. So, take it to Him. Tell Him exactly how you feel about being single and let Him speak peace and calm over you!
2. Cut off things that sow the seed: I remember that the times in my life when I was the most desiring of a man was when I was engrossed in romance novels and movies, and after reading them I would ask God over and over again to take this desire for a man away because I knew I wasn't ready to be married or in a relationship, and I remember the one time He spoke clearly to my heart, that reading those novels only made things worse and that I needed to stop at least for a year. Its been 2.5 years since and I don't think I have picked up a romance novel since. I started back watching chick flicks after a year, but my mindset was changed so much in that one year that in a weird way, chick flicks only make me realize that He is my one true love, and after a chick flick I mostly always end up spending time with Him. My point is that maybe you need to cut off some books, movies, and maybe even cut down on some of the pinterest wedding planning (I know, I just went there) but seriously though, Jesus said “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off”
3. Have a purpose for your singleness: The verse above talks about a woman whose aim is to “be devoted to the LORD both in body and in Spirit” Only a single woman can spend crazy amounts of time with the LORD without having to worry about her kids & hubby needing her. Only a single woman can get up and go on a spur of the moment mission trip to help the less fortunate. Only a single woman can decide to spend every Friday night going to nursing homes, or spending time with the homeless on the street. There are so many ways that we can grow in our relationship with the LORD and I think we ought to take advantage of that. During my quiet time a couple of months back, the LORD showed me that right now is the only time in my life that I can love on my brothers and have such a significant impact in their lives and in their relationship with Him, because they get to see me every day and see how I interact with Him. The LORD also gave me the idea to write down a list of things I want to do before I say “i-do” and focus on actually doing them while I still had the time to do them, and that has been such a blessing. Some of the things on my list are learning how to sew, doing some kind of foreign mission work, etc ….SO, I encourage you dear friend to sit and think for a little while about the mission statement of your singleness and how you will intentionally use this time of your life to bring Glory to God.; maybe learning to have a consistent quiet time, learning to be filled with gentleness, teaching a kids class? Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you!
4. Have a Re-defined view of marriage: I think Hollywood has given us an unrealistic view of marriage and so many Christians in the Church today don't really reflect God's ideal for a Christian marriage. So we have a group of people that are very cynical of marriage, love, and relationships and if you happen to be one of them, I will say that marriage is a beautiful gift from the LORD and it is meant to be a picture of Christ and His bride – the church. However, if all you think about marriage is how nice it will be to have sex all the time, I would say to you that marriage is beautiful, but it requires some sacrifice and a dying to self, so rather than thinking sex, think, “dying to self”. There are a ton of good Christian books about the realistic view of marriage, and I would recommend reading “Sacred marriage” and “The art of marriage” if you need to see marriage through God's eyes. 
5. Fall in Love with the LORD: I strongly believe, dear sister, that this is the answer to every question in our spiritual walk. The more you fall in love with Him, the more everything else pales in comparison. A great earthly marriage may last a long time, maybe even up until you depart from this earth, but a relationship with Him is the only thing that will last forever, so why not use these single years to invest time in loving Him and growing even more in your intimacy with Him. You can never have too much intimacy with the LORD, so read the 66 letter love story He's written you, worship Him passionately, steal away time to be in His presence, write Him love letters, songs, poems. Hang with Him and let Him lead you on whatever path He wants for you, while you accept and cherish this precious gift and season of singleness.
   

There I was in the middle of my bedroom floor crawled up into a ball crying uncontrollably seeking whatever it was that could heal the pain that my heart had just endured.  “God can you hear me?”  I cried out, mad that my plan of happily-ever after had failed me.  I needed healing.

Rewind: My not-so perfect plan

Wait.  Maybe I should back up and tell you exactly how I got myself into the above situation to begin with.  When I first got to college, God made it crystal clear to me that I needed to be single so that I could grow.  I knew I needed to follow His directions for my love life, but I had to make an exception for Ian.  You see, Ian was the guy I started dating during my freshman year of college, not to mention he had been my best friend since I was 16 years old.  So I figured that when God had asked singleness of me, He MUST have forgotten that Ian embodied everything that I wanted in a guy!  He was charming, super nice looking with his tall stature, muscular physique, and deep brown eyes and I could confide in him about pretty much anything.  Plus, he fit into my “plan.”  This “plan” of mine was to start dating my husband in college, fall hopelessly in love with him and get married.  Then we would both get nice jobs at Fortune 500 companies, spend lots of money, and have incredible, mind-blowing sex every night…all while living for God!  I thought it was perfect.

So Ian and I dated for 2 years.  He took me to nice restaurants, told me the most intimate details of his life, and was always trying to find ways to make me smile.  It was great…for a while.  But, I had big, glacier-sized voids in my heart that stopped me from being able to really love Ian the way I wanted to.  What I didn’t know then was that those gigantic voids in my heart were placed there by God and God was the only one who could fill and heal them.  Since Ian wasn’t really a Christian, this presented a problem. (He occasionally went to church and said he believed in God, but didn’t want to completely give his life to God.)

As I decided to get serious about my walk with Christ, Ian’s and I story-book romance began to quickly crumble.  I was tired of saying I was going to live right for God; I was ready to just do it.  So I did.  I traded the nights of Ian trying to “romantically” get in my pants, for nights with Jesus and being engulfed in His sweet love.  I was finally starting to feel more whole and I loved it!

“You’re changing and I hate it!” Ian yelled, shocking me out of my blissful state of new found happiness.

 “How can you say that when all I’m doing is trying to live better,” I pleaded.  The closer I got to God, the further I got from Ian and he made sure I knew it.  He didn’t understand why we needed boundaries in our relationship, nor did he understand why I preferred going to church over lying in bed with him.  Suddenly, my joy for finally living right was turned into feelings of shame, after being ridiculed about it by him.  His persistence to get me to go back to living wrong was draining me and rapidly destroying us!   Our beautiful romance was falling apart right before my eyes and I felt awful about it.  We were unequally yoked.  Our love soon turned into resentment because of our spiritual differences.  My perfect plan of happily-ever after for Ian and I continued to unravel at a speed I could not keep up with.

“Don’t you know that I have better plans for you? Our relationship cannot progress as long as you are leaning on a man that does not know me.”  A soft whisper came into my heart.  As every night became filled with cold arguments between the two of us, I knew I had to make a choice.   Either I was going to really live for God with all of me and cut off Ian; or I was going to cling on to my not-so perfect plan of happily ever after to keep the man that I thought I loved.  It wasn’t long until the decision was made.

So there I was, in the middle of my bedroom floor crawled up into a ball crying uncontrollably seeking whatever it was that could heal the pain that my heart had just endured.  I’d just gotten off the phone with Ian after making the hard decision of breaking up with him.  Prior to the conversation, he so candidly told me that if I wanted to make our relationship work, God needed to take a backseat.  It was then that I KNEW he wasn’t the one.  My heart was completely broken and I felt so deceived and naive.  “God can you hear me?”  I cried out, mad that my plan of happily-ever after had failed me.  I needed healing.

I don’t know how long I was on that floor crying that night but soon all of my tears came to a screeching halt and were suddenly replaced by an overwhelming sense of peace.  I knew for sure that it was God’s breathtaking presence coming over me with his approval of my decision and he indeed had heard me.  Since that moment, although it was difficult at first, I have not looked back. 

How He Turned My Mess Into My Message

The joy that I feel in my heart, now, is one that no man could bring.  It’s eternal and everlasting.  Now I’m free to love Christ without any of the guilt or shame that comes along with being in an unequally yoked relationship and it feels amazing!

I spent two years of my life stagnant and stuck in a rut because I wanted so badly to have the perfect relationship with the perfect man so we could get married after graduation and have a nice, little life together.  It wasn’t until I let go of my “not-so perfect plan” and let God move in my life that I was able to have real joy and start really living!

So sister, I encourage you to trust God. When he tells you to do something, do it even if it means moving on.  Don’t waste your time in an unequally yoked relationship.  No man is worth sacrificing your walk with God. 

Have faith in his timing and perfect plan.

If any of you are like me, you’re single this holiday season. Maybe newly single or this is a repeat of what seems to take place every year. Did you ever notice that all the ‘couple’ holidays fall back to back?  There’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and the dreaded…Valentine’s Day. 

Last year at this time I was freshly coming out of a long-term relationship. Although it was long distance, we did our best to spend every holiday together. Even in the first few months of being apart, we habitually saw each other for the holidays.

Why?

Why did we feel the need to be in each other’s presence, spend quality time together, fake a happiness that was no longer there, and hide the pain that was?

Why is it that being single during the holidays is so much harder than being single on a random day of the week in the middle of April?

I think we often forget our wholeness in Christ. I know I do. We are told in Matthew 9:22 “Daughter, be encouraged! For your faith has made you WHOLE!” We have everything we need in Christ. He completes us. Not a guy that we are dating, not even our future spouse will complete us in the way that Christ does. He loves us despite the fact that we fail him every day. We are never alone. He is jealous for us. He longs to spend 24/7 with us. No man on earth wants to be around you all the time; no man on earth wants to be around me all that time. And no, it’s not going to be easy. As humans we crave that attention from the opposite sex because that is how we were designed. 

I’ve struggled with it too. This past Thanksgiving was my first Thanksgiving back home in two or three years. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do emotionally, but I held up pretty well. Family, love, laughter, and food surrounded me! But as I was making my way home I was overcome with memories of the past few Thanksgivings. I literally had to pull over and cry out to God, asking Him to take away the hurt, the pain, and to give me peace in my heart. I can’t even begin to explain the feelings of peace I had when I woke up Friday. 

Allow God to use you in your time of singleness, especially during the holidays. There’s so much good that can come out of this time. Have faith and believe that God has you in this season for a reason. We are reminded in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a Time for Everything. Go out and volunteer. Take the money that you would’ve spent on presents for a significant other and bless someone in need. Have peace that your time to spend this holidays with someone is coming…in His time. Find comfort in Christ.

“May Your unfailing love, be my comfort” –Psalm 119:76

I love the holiday season. I know it sounds Hallmark-ish and cliché, but it really is the most magical time of year! I don’t know if it’s the lights, the music or whatever else, but something about the holidays truly feels like any and everything can happen. 
 But, everyone doesn’t feel this way. The holidays can be the most depressing time of year for some of us. Maybe you’re like me; single and waiting on God to introduce you to your future spouse. Or, maybe you’re dealing with a breakup and you’re just not in the holiday mood. 

The holiday season (as magical as it is) brings about tons of reminders that we’re single or alone. Office holiday parties…Christmas and New Year’s engagements, family gatherings…everywhere we go, we will be bombarded with reminders of what or who we do not have. Even the media plays a role with television ads and Black Friday sales all urging us to trade what we have for something new, shiny and for a limited time, discounted.

For me, learning to be single God’s way has been the most challenging yet rewarding journey. It involved me changing my mindset from always being in a relationship with a guy, to being in a committed relationship with God. With that in mind, as I began to prepare for being single around the holidays, I wanted to be sure I didn’t trade my year-long excitement for my relationship with God for the depressing, seasonal woes the world would offer me. 

Recently I stared reading “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, by Joshua Harris and the following passage has been resonating through my spirit since the day I read it;

One day a boy who has a bag of marbles proposes a trade with a little girl who has a bag of candy. The girl gladly agrees. But as the boy gets out his marbles, he realizes he can’t bear to part with some of them. Rather dishonestly, he takes three of his best marbles and hides them under his pillow. The boy and the girl make the trade, and the girl never knows he has cheated her. But that night while the girl lies asleep, the boy has no peace. He’s wide awake, pondering a question that nags at him: “I wonder if she kept her best candy, too?”

Like that little boy, many of us walk through life plagued by the question “Has God given me His best?” But the question we must answer first is “Am I giving God my best?”

Being single gives us the wonderful, yet painful opportunity to do a self-assessment. If we use our singleness wisely, we give God the chance to bring our attention to our flaws. He does so lovingly and with such purpose that we know it is only for our own good. But making these changes takes strength and a heart that is truly willing to change and let some things go. It takes true sacrifice. 

In reading the story above I couldn’t help but really think about the question, “what if God hadn’t given up His best?” 

Jesus was God’s best. 

He was God’s only. 

In my single journey one of the hardest things I had to deal with was the “if only’s.” When I was new to singleness I played the “if only” game all day - every day. “If only this…if only that…if only…if only. Now, I’m a firm believer that we should take responsibility for our actions and in turn, this means taking a share of the responsibility when negative things happen to us. It was easy for me to own up to my faults. I gladly rationed off my piece of Responsibility Pie and believe me, I was sure to take only what I agreed belonged to me. 

When I tell you I carried out my share of responsibility for months…years even! All the while playing the “if only” game. It wasn’t until I began to study forgiveness that I realized the error of my ways. Psalm 103:12 tells us “He has removed our sins from us as far as the east is from the west (NLT).” The east and the west will never meet! 

Imagine God sitting on His throne, looking at you with loving, forgiving eyes. You’re standing before Him carrying your load of responsibility, guilt, shame, and regret. You’re crying because you’ve been beating yourself up for so long over past mistakes, unable to forgive yourself. God looks at you, stretches out His hand and says, “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins (Isaiah 43:25, NLT).” 

Like the little boy in the story, you reach into your bag of marbles and begin to hand God, one by one, all that you’ve been carrying. But unlike the little boy, you give Him every last marble. You don’t hold anything back. You’re finally giving Him your best. 

How do you know when you’ve given Him everything? True sacrifice hurts. If your sacrifice doesn’t cost you something, you need to dig a little deeper and give a little more. When we think of sacrifice we tend to think of sacrificing animals. But when you sacrifice an animal, you kill it. It’s gone. You can’t get it back. Ever. 

This holiday season, I invite you to give God your best. By giving God all that you’ve been holding onto; all of your “if onlys”, all of your regret, shame, and guilt; you will be giving Him all of you. And that is your best.  I like to think of it as Release and Replace. Everything that we truly release to God, He will replace with something one thousand times better. That’s just how He works!