Am I Lovely?
The thought crossed my mind, after watching an ad for a reality show that I want to be sexy. This is an odd thought when you actually sit and ponder it.
Why would anyone want that?
What fruit does that yield?
Nothing of God.
So then why is it so appealing?
For me, I have realized that it is because there is a desire in my heart for someone to want me, say I am beautiful, stays, and calls me worthy and enough. Ironically, none of these are rooted in obsession, lust, or sinful desire; rather they find their origin in an innocent and God-given desire to be loved.
I found that my particular longings are specifically for a father's love. It is a peculiar experience to be able to recognize this now, after years of mocking and judging girls with "daddy issues."
My earthly father committed suicide when I was 13 years old, and it was not until recently that I was able to connect that loss with the acts of brokenness that followed. Almost 3 years have passed since I gave my heart to the Lord, and that the extent of that scar has just begun to resonate with me.
I now see that with every older man I pursued, every short skirt I wore, and drinking binge I put myself through, I was asking, will you love me? Am I pretty?
Every time I poured my heart, soul, and body into another unhealthy relationship, I was
trying to ensure this man would not leave me.
Stasi and John Eldredge illustrated this beautifully in their book, Captivating:
Little girls want to know.....'Am I lovely?' The twirling skirts, the dress up, the longing to be pretty and seen - Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, be irreplaceable, to have her question answered, 'Yes'.
The Word tells us more than once how beautiful and how treasured we are by God. The mere fact that He gave His Son as a sacrifice for our faults should show us how deeply He loves us.
Unfortunately, however, we live in a world where broken homes are the norm and we are constantly bombarded with messages that highlight our flaws and teach us that we are not
It is easy to get overwhelmed and lose sight of God's truths. Because of this, it is important to saturate ourselves in God's Word (truth) so that we may focus on God and how He sees us, not the world's standards.
From my own personal experience, I know this is not a quick fix. I am still going through this process with God, but I can tell you He has never left me or wavered in His love and faithfulness. When I have felt far from Him or lost it is because I have drifted away from Him, but even then, He is patient and remains gentle and constant because He is a gentleman.
How's that for an “Ah Ha!” moment?
God is not only a King and a Father. He is also a gentleman!
God is the white knight every girl longs to ride off into the sunset with.
He is the man who longs to validate and affirm you.
He alone holds your heart. He wants to fill the void, heal the scars, and answer the question, “Am I lovely?” with an overwhelming 'Yes!'
The ONLY man who will ever satisfy the desires of your heart is the One who made it!
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:13-14 ESV)