"If you were here, I would have married you by now."
He loves me.
"You know we'll never be together, right?"
He loves me not.
"You mean the world to me. I can't picture my life without you in it. If you weren't in my life, there's be something missing."
He loves me.
This inconsistency, the hot and cold, summed up my life for almost three years. Reassurance turned to rejection and the broken cycle continued until it was decided to walk away for good. The connection was strong but never consistent. Highs were no sooner met with lows and the level of connection soon wavered to merely nothing. I tried effortlessly to make things work and figured the longer I held onto hope, something would establish into more. It didn't because it was never going to.
Left heartbroken, broken, and searching, I came undone.
In my heart I felt God would work in this man's heart to love and want me. I figured if we gave each other space to grow and heal, we'd find our way back together but it was the inconsistency in our friendship, the back and forth, that finally led me to God.
All the times I was rejected, broken, and wanting, God met with me with open arms. When every memory surfaced, God found me and brought me to surrender. He never gave up on me when I wanted to give up on myself. When I felt unloved and unwanted, He pursued me relentlessly and reminded me His love endures forever. It was in my season of brokenness, God met me with Himself.
There have been so many moments in my life when I felt unloved and rejected. Guys from my past promised to love me, cherish me, and never hurt me. I held on to those promises like they were life support. I put more faith in feeling loved and wanted than in God. It was for this reason my relationships never worked. The longing in my heart for security was met with only more rejection and inconsistency.
The damage done from those three years of my life have remained but every time my mind wanders to that time of my life, God always reminds me the heartache was worth it.
God is the only consistent thing in our life.
We don't have to wake up every day asking ourselves if God loves us, because He does without fail. No matter where we are in our life, what we've done or gone through, His love is consistent, it remains, it stays.
While others' love for us is lukewarm, God's love for us burns for eternity.
Now it seems those three years are a distant memory now. As days pass, it's gotten easier, I feel stronger, and whenever I don't feel very loved or wanted, God reminds me He still loves and wants me. He reminds me regardless of the rejection I've faced or will face in the future, I will always be His.
There will never be a point in our life when God won't love us. He has promised to never leave or forsake us despite our flaws and brokenness. God never rejects His children, He will never reject what He created and claimed as His.
While "I love you" has been tossed around a lot in my life, I know the "I love you" from my Heavenly Father will always matter more than lukewarm feelings. "He loves me not" will never be a thought or feeling to describe God and His love for us because His love is eternal.
His love remains, now and forever.