Ever since I reinstated my walk with Christ, I have been seeking God's face through trying to keep a designated quiet time every morning at 5 AM, getting involved in my church home, trying to fast from food, and trying to stop cursing. I realized that I never asked God to send His help to strengthen me with my endeavors. Even though I thought I was trusting God, I realized that I was beating myself up and falling short in all my endeavors. I felt good about trying, but saw my failures as the worst transgression ever. That is not what Christ would have me to do.
Christ spoke to my heart.
He told me that I need to take this walk step by step. He said He knows my nature and all of the ways in which I like to rush and am slow to patience. He reminded me that I cannot go from having no quiet time ever in my life to being a quote, unquote perfect Christian. He told me that my walk with Him is narrow and that picking up my cross to follow Him will bring tests and tribulations so that I should not beat myself down any further. He said I've spent years doing this and it has never helped me or given me any kind of peace as a result.
I was convicted and humbled once again. Thank God. I decided that I cannot fast for thirty days straight and be successful without ever having fasted for one meal in my entire life. I realized that I cannot cut things off that have become habitual if I'm struggling to keep my quiet time every morning. I'm not being very kind and patient with myself as I'm very early in this walk (although I've been a Christian since I was five). I never knew how to communicate daily with God and read my Bible, and honestly, quiet time was something I just searched for and admired in other religions. I was seeking some form of discipline to govern me. Now, my life is slowly changing to being governed by the Lord. I'm learning to trust and follow Him more and more with each passing day.
I'm challenging myself to remain at step one and be comforted in this step as I not try to reach above where I am on this journey. I am trying my best, and that's what God requires of me because He knows my desires and my heart. In this step I’ve decided to set my alarm for 5 AM, continue working in my church, take fasting in small chunks, and eliminate curse words. However. this time I'm asking the Lord to guide me to a mindset centered on the courage and belief that even if I fail, I will not quit. I'm asking God to keep me convicted as I continue to seek Him first. God is good and super faithful. I know that I can rest in His grace.
If you find yourself in this same position, hoping to reach a mark in your life to demonstrate your love for God with your life and your actions, remember to be kind to yourself and allow Christ to meet you exactly where you are. Remember that Christ knows your heart and who you are at your core; you can’t fool him with “good behavior.” Allow Him to empty out the things that no longer serve your walk with Him and pour into you His plan and desires for your life.
“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Rely on the Lord to place you where you should be on your journey and not your own strength. Only through Him can we do all things," (Isaiah 40:31).