Driving home I could not stop my tears, I could not catch my breath.  I turned down the music and pulled over my car.  Sobbing, all I could say was, “God, why?  I really don’t understand any of this.” 

For a while now I have felt what seems like a 100 pound weight across my shoulders, much so that I can physically feel my shoulders bend down and it takes all I have to keep them up.  I left a church-healing group I am in in shambles.  I had made a commitment to go to this study for healing almost a year ago.  At first it was twice a week, then it went to once a week and then it was switched to another day.  I have been flexible, I have done the work and I have stayed the course.  People I trusted in my group left without explanation and I was told that I needed to be flexible. What did not seem to be taken into account was all of the flexibility I had been giving to be in this group. I work full time and if you add being a single mother to the equation with a sick child, I’m always working. I have no breaks, freedom has turned into a foreign concept, but I keep going and I am beyond blessed.

On this particular night, I was pulled aside to be told that yet another leader was going to have to step away from being my mentor in the group and then, I was told by a different leader that I need to be more committed to the group.  My eyes welled up and I felt so misunderstood and yet again, tossed aside.  I explained that I was not sure I wanted to be apart of the group anymore.  I explained that I have a sick child, who has been in the hospital and at the doctor; I explained that I had been taking care of my mother who has had to start from ground zero and who showed up after dealing with family issues in another state, with no car, no home, no money and no job.  I was then told, “Well I did not know all of that.” After receiving this comment, I questioned what I had been feeling in my heart for quite some time now: "Is anyone actually listening to me?"  The fact was I had been very transparent about my situation and still it seemed to get me nowhere.

It is extremely difficult to understand that even while you may be doing all that God is telling you to do, you still feel like you are getting crushed, tossed aside or that you are not making progress.  The words that arrived and found home in my heart and mind that night were, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him,” (Job 13:15 KJV). 

It is a hard concept to grasp, why would God slay or allow others to slay His children?  I do not have all the answers, but what I do know is it is absolutely imperative that no matter what situations we find ourselves in that we completely trust Gods goodness, sovereignty and plan. 

Though I’m sick
Though I’m broke
Though I’m alone
Though I’ve been rejected
Though I’ve been let go
Though my life took an unseen turn
Though things look bad and hopeless now, yet I will trust in Him.

These are some things we need to remember and meditate on; especially in the midst of feeling we are being slayed:

1) Nothing God allows is meaningless. 

2) The enemy will always use this as an opportunity to twist the truth and try and distance you from God.  Don’t believe the enemies lies, keep your eyes on God all the time.

3) All things work together for Gods glory and your good.

4) Do not be in denial about your pain, but do not stay stuck in it.

5) Just because things are being shaken in your life, does not mean you did something wrong or somehow deserve to be punished.  Look at Job, according to the Bible, “...was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.  He was the greatest man among all the people of the East,” (Job 1:1, 3 NIV). The Lord knew that Job was so faithful and trusted God fully that no matter what happened he would not curse God. 

6) God may have allowed it, but God will not allow the enemy to lay a finger on you.  He may stretch you, pull you and mold you but he will not break you.  “The Lord said to Satan, 'Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger,'” (Job 1:12 NIV)

7) Do not lean on your own understanding.  Your understanding is limited and short sited.  Instead submit to Him. 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.  (Isaiah 55:8 NIV)

I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.  (Job 42:2-3 NIV)

In the book of Job, we see all that Job wrestled with. He was quite honest in his affliction.  Despite his affliction, we see how he persevered in his faithfulness to God and in the end we see the sweet redemption God brought into his life because of his faithfulness

The Lord restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. (Job 42: 10, 12 NIV)



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About the Author :

Leilani is a single mom to a beautiful 4 year old little girl. She is in love with the Creator of the stars. Her mission is simple yet so big, to encourage and bring Jesus to all in need. To bring hope by loving people, writing, photography, music, poetry/spoken word and meeting people right where they are. God's Grace is her air.